Outcome: Kingston Homes’ Hythe Plan: Luxury Builds, Zero Affordable Housing

Chairman Jackie Meade (with the patience of a saint):
“Alright folks, let’s dive into Application 21/0553/FH – Land oppiste 24 Station Road Hythe CT21 5PW – aka The 40-Dwelling Saga That Nobody Asked For. First up: updates. Alex, hit us with the riveting  highway report.”

“Great news for the concerned residents Chair! KCC highways did a speed survey. Turns out, drivers only hit 29.3mph – just under the 30mph limit! So, visibility splays are approved. Because, clearly, 0.7mph is the difference between life and death.”

Speakers: Enter Emma Boozy, Local Hero
(Armed with a binder thicker than the developer’s profit margin)

“Ladies and gents, Cllrs, we’ve spent thousands on traffic surveys. Result? 15%, or rather 5,000 speeding cars weekly – that’s 5,000 chances for a Grand Theft Auto reenactment. But hey, the developer’s survey? Done after ours, near two sharp bends. Totally not shady!

Oh, and ecology? The site’s a wildlife sanctuary – badgers, kingfishers, snakes! But the developer’s report? ‘No notable species.’ Unless you count their notable lack of ethics.

Fire safety? They claim a ‘small fire engine’ can access the site. Newsflash: Hythe’s fire station doesn’t have one. The nearest is in Dymchurch – manned by retirees who’ve probably never seen a fire.

And the ‘revised’ apartment block? They shaved off half a metre. Wow. It’s like putting a Band-Aid on a sinking ship. Reject this madness!”

(The crowd erupts. A councillor mutters, “She’s got a future in stand-up.”)

High Town Council’s Stephen Bailey: Master of Nitpicking

“Cllrs, Cycle stores at the bottom of gardens? How will residents haul e-bikes up 12 steps? And the flats? They’re taller than my resentment for this developer. Reduce the size! Also, why 40 units when the plan said 30? Maths is hard, huh?”

(A developer whispers, “Because £££.”.)

Architect Guy Holloway: The Smooth Talker
“Chuckles nervously. Cllrs, We’ve listened! We lowered the roof pitch by 0.5m! Solar panels! Daylight studies! And the viability report? Oh, it’s totally unviable for affordable housing. But don’t worry – if we strike oil, we’ll maybe give you a clawback. Pinky promise!”

(Councillors exchange glances. One scribbles, “Clawback = unicorn dust.”)

And the chair, Cllr Jackie Meade, threw open the floor to the committee members. “Any thoughts, observations!”

Councillor Clive Goddard (Channeling Sherlock Holmes):
“Alex – can you confirm the overshadowing study wasn’t done with a flashlight and a teddy bear.”

Officer Alex:
“BRE guidelines! 25-degree rule! Hollybank is 16.9m away – practically a different postcode! I don’t know if they have teddy bears there.”

Councillor Mike Blakemore (Practical Genius):
“Fire safety? KCC says it’s fine. But if the site burns down, maybe the developer can build 50 units next time!”

(Laughter. The fire chief side-eyes the developer.)

Councillor Gary Fuller (Voice of the People):
“Highways? KCC thinks potholes are art installations. And 34,000 cars weekly? That’s Hythe’s version of Mad Max. Also, construction till 7pm? Let’s not torture residents after tea time.”

Officer Lloyd (Diplomacy 101):
“Condition 32 says 8am–7pm. But sure, let’s debate whether builders actually work past 4pm.”

(A builder in the audience snores loudly.)

Result: 9 in favour, 2 against, 1 abstention.

Post-Vote Reactions:

• Residents: “Democracy? More like demo-crazy.”
• Developer: Cha-ching noise
• Affordable Housing: Ghostly wail

---

Epilogue:
Another victory for “viability reports” and architectural tweaks so minor they’re measured in nanometers. Hythe’s wildlife? Evicted. Councillors? Still Googling “What’s a clawback?”

Final Thought:
“Planning committees: Where logic goes to nap, and developers always bring the pillow.” 🦉

The Shepway Vox Team

Humour For The People NOT the Powerful