Kent County Council Promotes a Pothole to Senior Management – Then Pays to Make It Bigger

In a remarkable breakthrough for local government efficiency, Kent County Council has discovered a senior manager who never complains, doesn’t require a salary and can swallow almost unlimited amounts of public money. Unfortunately, it’s a hole in the road.

This is an entirely fictional story. All events, conversations, expenditure, statistics and decisions are invented. The KCC councillors and senior management officers named are real people, but nothing attributed to them here is an account of their actual words or actions.

At precisely 9.17 on Tuesday morning, Kent County Council appointed a pothole to senior management.

The pothole, situated outside Mrs Dorothy Bell’s house, had occupied the same position for six years.

During that time it had swallowed four hubcaps, three bicycle wheels, a traffic cone and most of a Ford Fiesta.

It had never attended a meeting, answered a complaint or made a decision.

KCC immediately recognised its potential.

Following a rigorous recruitment process lasting eleven minutes, it was appointed Director of Strategic Depth.

Its application had been impressive.

Under previous employment it had written, Highways.

Under qualifications, Extensive experience of infrastructure collapse.

And when asked where it saw itself in five years, it replied that it intended to remain exactly where it was.

Chief Executive Amanda Beer was impressed by this commitment to long-term stability.

Council Leader Linden Kemkaran welcomed the appointment as a breakthrough in public-sector efficiency.

The pothole declined to comment.

This was considered especially refreshing.

The first difficulty was transporting the new director to County Hall.

Peter Osborne, Cabinet Member for Highways and Transport, pointed out that a pothole wasn’t actually anything.

It was the absence of something.

This meant KCC had appointed absolutely nothing to a senior management position.

Brendan Arnold, Corporate Director of Finance, was delighted.

Finally, an executive appointment that wouldn’t increase the payroll.

Cllr Brian Collins, Cabinet Member for Finance, announced an immediate £160,000 saving.

“How?” I asked.

“We’ve appointed a director without paying a salary.”

“But you weren’t going to pay the pothole £160,000.”

“Exactly. We’ve saved the lot.”

I began to understand.

I’ve never purchased a Ferrari, a yacht or Buckingham Palace.

By KCC’s calculations, this made me approximately £1.5 billion richer than I’d previously realised.

I telephoned my bank.

They were less enthusiastic.

Apparently, money you haven’t spent cannot be used to pay money you owe.

I suggested they were displaying an alarmingly old-fashioned attitude towards financial management.

They suggested I pay my overdraft.

I explained that I’d already saved £800 by not buying a new sofa.

They hung up.

Some people simply don’t understand economics.

Meanwhile, Simon Jones, Corporate Director of Growth, Environment and Transport, was attempting to solve the transportation problem.

He suggested removing the section of road containing the pothole and transporting it to Maidstone.

Unfortunately, the pothole was situated in the missing section.

Removing the surrounding tarmac would simply create a larger hole.

This would require another inspection.

Cllr Osborne suggested filling the pothole before moving it.

“But then it wouldn’t be a pothole,” I pointed out.

“Precisely. That’s why we need a feasibility study.”

The council commissioned one for £28,000.

It concluded that the pothole should remain where it was.

This was hailed as a victory for flexible working.

The new director would work from home.

An office was established beside the A20, comprising a traffic cone, a folding chair and a laminated photograph of the Chief Executive.

The photograph blew away.

The chair collapsed.

The cone was stolen.

KCC announced that Phase One had been successfully completed.

The pothole’s promotion created another unexpected benefit.

As it was now classified as an employee rather than a highway defect, the number of outstanding potholes had fallen.

Admittedly, only by one.

But expressed as a percentage of potholes successfully appointed to senior management, the improvement was 100%.

Cllr Kemkaran was delighted.

She suggested promoting every pothole in Kent.

Cllr Chris Hespe, Cabinet Member for Local Government Efficiency and Local Government Reorganisation, identified a problem.

This would considerably increase the number of senior management posts.

He proposed abolishing the posts immediately after creating them.

KCC could then announce both a 100% reduction in potholes and a 100% reduction in management vacancies.

The savings would be enormous.

Nobody knew how enormous.

An independent consultant was appointed to find out.

He divided the number of potholes by the number of vacancies, multiplied by the square root of the council’s aspirations and produced a figure of £9 million.

Nobody understood the calculation.

But it was green on the spreadsheet.

And that’s generally sufficient.

Green, of course, is also associated with the environment.

Cllr Jamie Henderson, Cabinet Member for Environment and Coastal Regeneration, became interested when rainwater collected inside the pothole.

This meant it might qualify as a wetland.

An ecological survey was commissioned.

It discovered three tadpoles, a cigarette end and something that might once have been a Tesco sandwich.

The tadpoles were protected.

The cigarette end was referred to Waste Management.

The sandwich was commercially sensitive.

Within days, the pothole had been designated a Site of Considerable Administrative Interest.

A conservation strategy was drafted.

A consultation was announced.

A sign was erected.

PLEASE DO NOT DISTURB THE NATURAL ENVIRONMENT.

Mrs Bell, who’d been asking for the pothole to be repaired for six years, was understandably confused.

“Can somebody fill the hole?”

“Unfortunately not, madam. It’s protected.”

“Protected from what?”

“People filling it.”

“But it’s in the middle of the road!”

“Yes, and we’re particularly proud of how accessible our nature reserve is.”

Mrs Bell asked whether she could drive around it.

The council said that would require a traffic assessment.

Unfortunately, the pothole’s new status created difficulties.

As a senior manager, it had failed to complete its mandatory training.

It had never attended a safeguarding course, cybersecurity seminar or fire-awareness workshop.

Nor had it submitted an annual declaration of interests.

A senior officer asked why.

“Because it’s a hole,” I explained.

“That’s no excuse. We offer reasonable adjustments.”

A training officer was dispatched to the A20.

He discovered that the director couldn’t read, write, operate a computer or confirm whether it understood the council’s values.

The director was also unable to provide evidence of its right to work in Britain.

KCC referred the matter to Human Resources.

HR recommended an Occupational Health assessment.

The assessor visited the pothole and concluded that it was unlikely ever to achieve full mobility.

The council granted permanent home-working arrangements.

The pothole received an outstanding performance review.

It had, after all, achieved every target it had been physically capable of achieving.

Which was none.

Then Mrs Bell’s patience finally ran out.

She wrote to Amanda Beer and Cllr Kemkaran demanding that the road be repaired.

Her letter was forwarded to the Director of Strategic Depth.

Unfortunately, the director couldn’t read.

It was, after all, a pothole.

The letter was referred to its line manager.

Who referred it to the relevant service director.

Who referred it to the complaints team.

Who referred it to Highways.

Who referred it back to the Director of Strategic Depth.

Six weeks later, Mrs Bell received a reply.

Her complaint had been thoroughly investigated.

Unfortunately, the council could find no evidence of a pothole at the location specified.

There was, however, a senior manager.

Mrs Bell was advised that further complaints about the condition of a senior manager could constitute workplace harassment.

She was invited to complete a customer satisfaction survey.

She ticked Very Dissatisfied.

The council thanked her for engaging with its complaints process.

Customer engagement increased by 100%.

Then something extraordinary happened.

The pothole began filling naturally with gravel, mud and debris.

Within a fortnight, it was almost level with the surrounding road.

This presented KCC with an unprecedented crisis.

If the pothole disappeared, the council would lose its Director of Strategic Depth, its protected wetland, its environmental achievements and its £9 million in imaginary savings.

An emergency meeting was convened.

Cllr Osborne wanted to preserve the highway.

Cllr Henderson wanted to preserve the wildlife.

Cllr Hespe wanted to preserve the efficiency savings.

Cllr Collins wanted to preserve the budget.

Amanda Beer wanted everyone to agree on a corporate position.

David Whittle, Director of Strategy, Policy, Relationships and Corporate Assurance, recommended a Strategic Pothole Preservation Framework.

After three hours, everyone agreed.

The pothole must be protected from being filled.

A specialist contractor was appointed.

He arrived the following morning with a mechanical digger.

Mrs Bell watched from her window.

For six years she’d begged KCC to repair the hole.

Now she’d watched it appoint the hole to senior management, declare it an environmental asset, calculate £9 million in imaginary savings and commission several consultants to explain why it couldn’t be repaired.

And finally, after six years, a man had arrived with a digger.

She was delighted.

At last, something was happening.

The contractor started his engine, lowered the bucket and carefully removed all the gravel that had accumulated.

Then he dug another two feet.

Mrs Bell rushed outside.

“What on earth are you doing?”

“Council orders, love.”

“But I’ve been asking them to fill that hole for six years!”

“Sorry. I’m here to make it bigger.”

“Why?”

“Management development.”

The following morning, KCC issued an imaginary press release announcing a major investment in highways infrastructure.

The Director of Strategic Depth had doubled in size.

Its capacity had increased.

Its environmental footprint had expanded.

And its ability to absorb further investment was greater than ever.

The Cabinet was delighted.

The senior management team celebrated.

The consultants submitted their invoices.

And Mrs Bell received another customer satisfaction questionnaire.

She didn’t complete it.

Consequently, KCC recorded a further reduction in complaints.

But the greatest achievement belonged to Cllr Osborne’s fictional Highways Department.

For the first time in six years, it had sent a contractor to Mrs Bell’s pothole.

And spent public money making the bloody thing worse.

The Shepway Vox Team

Deliciously Delightful Dissent Since 2015